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Somewhere at sometime in one of my earlier posts I’m sure that I have expressed that men are like dogs.the ol dysu

We’re easy to figure out.

Feed us, pet us, praise us, play with us till we’re plum tuckered out n we’ll stay tail waggin loyal fer yer lifetime.

Bad boy!

Bad boy!

Ignore us, berate us, scold us fer being a dog and we may turn sullen and bite..

Now lemme quick qualify this by sayin that ladies, chicks, doll faces, I know it’s gotten more complicated as of late what with all the Stepferd Men that are….wait, what?

Well ya know what a Stepferd Wife is yes (maybe I’m datin myself thinkin this is a common  cultural reference point lol).

Click here if'n ya want more info...I don't have room to explain every crazy thing I say.

Click here if’n ya want more info…I don’t have room to explain every crazy thing I say.

Well it’s like that only with men…

Phil-M. A thoroughly Modern Man! He loves Disney films and imitating Carol Channing, and expressing his sensitivty

Phil-M. A thoroughly Modern Man! He loves Disney films imitating Carol Channing, and expressing his sensitivity.

“Of course women can handle more pain than men! Childbirth is like pulling your bottom lip up over your head.” repeated Thursday morning by my local News caster a typical Stepferd Man.

Okay back to it…wait what?

No listen I speak in generalities here, meaning something more often true than not…yes it may be true that yer women is tougher than you (if true, a fact you should be ashamed to admit)or that gals, yer man whines when he gets a boo-boo….but that is the exception to the rule.

N’ I already know yer argument and no it’s not simply a socio/cultural heritage issue it is a genetic heritage issue.

Cave Bros n action

Cave Bros n action

Lemme query ya this Einstein which might hurt more, giving birth or getting stomped by a Mammoth?

It’s the same reason men (remember in general) laugh at their friends gettin hurt it’s a genetic throwback to when we were runnin down big game on the primordial plains.

Sheesh I mean these aren’t my opinions, I had to stop and offer the Donna and Donnie Doubters some facts before we kept goin with my “wildly outrageous” opinions…

I know, I know, I’m cranky this morning.

Who am I cats n kittens, or maybe today I should say dogs n cats..well I’m the ol’ Dysu

All that jes to explain that I know there a lot of men who “Stepferd” bein the new progressive male thinkin it will make their women happier n thier lives easier.

It doesn’t, but that’s fer a different post.

bad dog

What?

All I’m tryin to say here is in general men are like dogs.

And you gals, dames, chickee-babes yer like cats…complicated. It’s always all about you. Ya always gotta secret plan goin on,  when someone reaches out to pet ya it’s jes as likely you’ll scratch ’em as purr….n ya spend an inordinate amount of time grooming yerself.

What?

What?

A dog wants to be owned and makes no bones about it. A cat needs to be owned but will never admit it.

If yer a good (smart) dog owner with gentle praise, lots of petting and snacks you can train yer dog pretty good. Oh sure he’ll still do stupid stuff from time to time, make messes, have body odor issues, but if ya treat him right you’ll have a loyal partner.

Finicky_CatIf yer a good (smart) cat owner ya might as well accept that no matter what ya try (in fact sometimes the more ya try the worse it can get)the best ya can hope fer is semi peaceful coexistence.

Amazingly the more ya ignore  a cat, the more it craves yer attention. (Here’s where I the ol Unit am the exception to the rule [not with actual cats mind you] I give my “cats” too much attention which is great at first but eventually they get bored).

Ignore a dog too long n they get bored. A bored dog can get into no end of trouble.

A dog needs a lot of physical love. To a dog physical love is emotional love.

If you want me to move jes say so...Is that what you want? You want me to move, why don't I just move out for good then! Oh you'd like that wouldn't ya!

If you want me to move jes say so…Is that what you want? You want me to move, why don’t I just move out for good then! Oh you’d like that wouldn’t ya!

Cat’s don’t need a lot of physical attention. But they demand an enormous amount of emotional love.

And as with everything in this post I am referring to both women and actual cats (as the kitten I own tries to lay on my laptop or book or what have you saying “I don’t need your attention but if I lay here you’ll have nothing to do but wait me out, or move me n hurt my feelings.”…That’s emotional black mail.

N’ yes I know there are exceptions, there are always exceptions.

But Guys…one cats pretty much like another. So best advice, learn to live with her…it.

Ladies, girls, women, I’m referring only to good dogs here.

bad dog 3A bad dog is a bad dog is a bad dog.

No amount of training’s gonna help either of ya.

If ya got a bad dog I can’t help ya much except maybe tell ya to shop around.

Find yerself a dog that’ll treat ya like kitten you are…

Tell me...have I crossed the line here.

Tell me…have I crossed the line here.

Lil’ Mouse’s Two Cents

January 27, 2014

Well happy freakin Monday it’s snow balls cold here today…sorry fer that cats n’ kittens but, I mean it’s cold in Palace City…the ol' dysu

And ya know I hate the cold so…wait what?

Okay well if yer new here I am not fond of cold weather.

But that’s not what we’re here for today.

No  Boy Pirate King after all.

No Boy Pirate King after all.

We’re here cause Lil Mouse (see the last couple years posts especially may wanna check out RWR) had a couple comments ’bout the ol’ Boy Pirate King posts…What?

Yea I know!

Well she says she doesn’t read my blogs but I think she reads ’em more now than ever she did before…oh it is to laugh.

Anyway her main point I think at first was to get me to add somewhere that I don’t like women.

But that’s not true and after some go round she admitted that I do indeed love  and support women in particular.Whiff the Swiff

And I agreed that in general I do tend to lay the downfall and destruction of the once great American culture and society directly at the pointy toed shoes of modern womanhood.

live laugh lovin 1God bless their livin, laughin, lovin souls!

But what about the idea of me as the Boy Pirate King? I queried tryin to get away from the old arguments n’ back on track.Peter-Pan-2b-02-01-13

She had to agree, at first. “I used to like the Peter Pan image but now that I think about it he’s too effeminate.”

I made some muttered agreement.

0d7e4212cb5be612f0455121088567a9I have often referred to myself as one of Pan’s Lost Boys, but truth be told I’m not much of  follower.

“So you think Boy Pirate King is a good description.”

“Yea” she says, then pauses suddenly breaking into laughter “Yer like the boy Pippi Longstocking!”pippi l.

We both had  good laugh at that.

She was absolutely right. I once even made her watch those crappy old movies.

I’ve loved them since I was a kid.

Ya know which one’s I’m talking ’bout yea?

PL 3That was the life I always wanted as a kid, and I think the life I’ve tried to live as an adult.

It’s why I struggle in the actual day to day world.

Why my Ex’s n’ Lil Mouse ended up so frustrated.

No matter how hard I try, my world (brain) is so much more fascinating and fun.

I jes grow bored very quickly and want to go n play with my own dog (brain again).

And she’s right off course, she was way more masculine than Peter Pan.

And again we both agree. She laughs, I’m smiling. Yea, the Boy Pippi Longstocking.Pippi tomstocking

I think I can live with that

The Boy Pirate King 3

January 21, 2014

Okay so yea here I am having this epiphany about this personality quirk, this dysfunction abut rescuing damsels but ya know I’m nothe ol dysu white knight. I’m far too mischievous for that.

No, I got this Babe!

No, I got this Babe!

Of course I’ve always liked the idea of bein a Pirate Captain, ya know a swashbuckler, a rogue, and they still “rescue” women some times don’t they?

I mean the Pirate Captain with the heart of gold type, Erroll Flynn swinging from ship to ship to reach his kidnapped sweetie, that’s what I’m talking about here..Captain Blood

But wait there’s still a problem with that description and this is part of the epiphany, another reason both X2 and Lil’ Mouse moved on, I am still, and always will be a little boy at heart.

Take no prisoners after 8 pm.

Take no prisoners after 8 pm.

Oh sure I’ll swing on the rope, n fight the other pirates to rescue you n’ all. I’ll even get ya back where ya belong or better.

But I’m still gonna be what I am when we get there, the Boy Pirate King, who doesn’t wanna grow up ’cause that would be sooo Boooooring!

My mischievousness is not the mean spirited variety

It’s the twinkle in the eye kind.

I am not really the swarthy, dangerous, take no prisoners kind’a guy I imagine myself to be.

1023_captblood

Have you thought of going to school on-line my dear?

I merely play at being that.

But this may be why I still tend to attract younger girls….sorry women, instead of gi…women closer to my own age.

Why even earlier today our new 24 year old (smart, funny good looking..oh crap) co-worker was telling me how cool (weird) I am, and hinting not so subtlety how, once she’s out of treatment she’ll need to find someplace to stay, maybe someone to help her through this new phase of her life. She has secret dreams of managing a business.

The Boy Pirate King 2

January 21, 2014

X2 was beautiful and smart, working as a bank teller but with secret dreams of big money jobs. We often sat smoking together onthe ol dysu break and talked bout the guys she was dating. I was smitten with her, I was married though. But I wanted to help her somehow, do something for this beautiful girl, so full of possibilities and stuck in South Dakota.

I even tried to fix her up with another coworker/friend closer to her age.

He screwed her, never called her and told everyone else at work how easy she was. (Ahh guy’s…ya gotta love us)

She was heartbroken and of course I felt like an ass.

Meanwhile X1 (with whom my relationship was already souring) had moved with the kids temporarily back to So Cal.

X2 was very…mmm…intent of making me hers. I fer my part had this smart, good looking, sexy 21 year old ( I was nearing 40) hot for me…

So yes, I got divorced, eventually hooked up with X2, took custody of my own kids from the previous marriage, got married to X2

X2 and I, posing as an old  married couple.

X2 and I, posing as an old married couple.

and had another kid.

But the point is during these years X2 went from being a bank teller to being a phone banker to being an accountant for the biggest bank in the country.

And yea I know she may have done it without me. And yea I know she did all the work bla, bla, bla,

Anyway shortly after divorce from X2 (we’ll get to that in a minute) a long comes Lil Mouse, she’s 24, I’m closin in on 50 now.

Lil Mouse is a beautiful, smart, funny sexy young girl with big dream but some ptsd based anxiety, she’s an English major working as a shop girl with secret dreams of being a Librarian but doesn’t have the belief in her self to necessarily reach fer those books.

A year of happy memories.

A year of happy memories.

Five years later I was helping her move to a new city to start her new job, having completed her Masters in Library Science, as a Head Catalog Librarian at a local University.

And yea I know she may have done it without me. And yea I know she did all the work bla, bla, bla,

But I tell ya I had a lot to do with both of these beautiful young women’s growth.  The comforting through tears and fits of “can’t do it’s”, the support and cheer leading, the “you can do it’s”, reminding them both of there bountiful talents and desire.

Anyway as I thought through this I also realized that this was probably the real death knell of both of these relationships.

Both X2 & Lil Mouse probably got to the point where they jes didn’t need me anymore, they had grown beyond me. Where as I…like most men,,had stayed jes the same.

So…

Wait what? What does this have to do with  the “Boy Pirate King” ?  Well hold on I’m gettin to that…

The Boy Pirate King

January 21, 2014

Hey cats n’ kittens, it’s me the ol’ Dysu. Despite the fanciful title to this post it’s really jes a continuation of my dating posts.the ol dysu

Don’t worry I’ll make the connection here comin’ up.

Anyway see it’s like this, at least fer me…I don’t know how these things work fer others…but I get a lot of self analysis as I do these posts.

Take the the dating series, as I was finishing up the last one, looking back over not jes the series of posts, but the whole dating fiasco as well as my last two relationship I came to an important selfpiphany.

Wait, I should add right here that as I was finishing Adv. Dys, Dating I was also reading a posts from a blogger I follow and she was (as she often does) also talking about dating.

Reading her posts I was struck by a feeling of sadness (as I often am) with her plight of trying to find a man who would treat her like the amazing human being she apparently is.

You can read some of her hilariosity here, but be warned her blog can be extremely adult themed and not fer the prude or faint of heart…don’t say I didn’t  warn you).

Hungry Fer Adult Size Fun!

Hungry Fer Adult Size Fun!

Anyway no matter what ya think, I enjoy reading her words. She’s funny, incredibly (sometimes painfully so) honest in sharing; her own dating and life miseries, the constant ridiculousness she subjects herself to by engaging in such blogging activities, her analysis of the men who participate and most amazing fer a women, honest in her own self analysis.

But mostly I enjoy her blog ’cause She’s funny as heck.

Okay now where was I…

Oh yea anyway, reading her posts here, while I was finishing up my last dating posts (reading n’ writing as I often do) my heart went out to her fer the types of responses men send her (granted often she asks fer it lol, more on that coming)that reduce this amazingly stunning human unit into a one trick pony so to speak, and do so in terms that even a sick ol’ unit like me struggles to find sexy or alluring in anyway.

The thing is I start getting this crazy idea and go and send her a nice message…retarded…but ya know as I did it I realized I have a

Chivalry or Chauvinism

Chivalry or Chauvinism

problem with tryin to rescue “damsels in distress”…

Stick with me on this n’ I’ll explain.

.

And so okay back on track…the ol dysu

Oh sure I could get more dates, pay more money to the dating site and get even more dates..but why?

Dating Sites: $20+ Monthly each

Dates: Restaurant: $50+ per, Movie $40+

Gas misc $10+

I mean okay the local economy gets a tiny uptick.

A few girls, women, ladies get some free meals and an interesting dining partner. Maybe a movie or two but what’s in it fer the Ol’ Unit

And yea I could, may still be able to get laid this way, but as square and old fashioned as this sounds I wanna get to know a girl enough that I can feel that she is interested in me, past the ya know, physicality of the rouge in me…and like the little nerd boy inside, be trusted with my eccentricities.

That makes the whole process, dating & dating sites simply a waste of my resources.

‘Cause I’m not gonna find that dating. I’d go broke first

See like the last three women in my life, I would try to talk any woman out of considering a long term relationship with me.

As I would’ve tried to talk the Artist (my one date’ee) out of us continuing to date if she hadn’t come to the same conclusion.

She wasn’t into me. It seemed like so at first. But by the third date. I could tell she was looking for me to do or be something I wasn’t.

And maybe it was my not just jumpin her, ya know trying to do her right away. Kiss me Deadly

I mean part of me wanted to…but ya know this is weird fer a guy I know, but, I only wanna be with someone if that person wants to be with me.

And trust me as a guy, I know how that sounds, makes me sound…well I better jes say lame.

But that’s not it at all.

I wanna live “right”…I mean, I still wanna be naughty…jes in the “right” way

Sleeping with a lot of miscellaneous gi….women, chicks, babes, doll faces whatever, well I kind’a feel bad fer that now.

Like maybe a life of lecherously depraved and drug fueled deviant behavior needs to be made up for…

At least curtailed to one woman. At a time.

That’s what I tried to do the last two times (truthfully I was a charmingly terrible husband fer ex 1 so we can’t count her here)…But again

All the stuff from the earlier dating posts like noise and memory and music etc, being the poet, the lover, one of Peter Pan’s lost boys.

All of it’s I guess charming to some women at first, but my charming wears thin.DSCN1051

I think that’s what Ex 2 and Lil’ Mouse would say.

But I’m really f-ing top of the line that first year.

Once, whoever the next gir…woman is to fight past the oddness and opinions, I’ll be the best…well at least one of the most 100%interesting and rewarding men they’ll ever spend time with. I could almost slap a hundred percent guarantee on that.

At least until we both get bored.

And yea, I think I can come to terms with that.

I do like my alone time.

max-bygraves-don-t-you-worry-your-pretty-little-head-1423-pMaybe I’ll lease myself out on a short term basis.

I come with excellent recommendations.

Oh it is to laugh, that’s about it fer my dating posts, I might add one more about my impulsive need to “rescue” women from themselves and how idiotic that is (guys!).

Just another dysfunction in the ol’ Unit cats n’ kittens

Well hello and a big hardy har har cats n kittens and yes I know ya don’t get the joke but…the ol dysu

bigfoot_zps2fbda403That’s because ya probably didn’t read my last damn post…I mean oh it is to laugh, I pump out one of what I think is my best posts ever, certainly one of the shortest in recent memories and yea anyway you should read that one instead…

Are you still here well, alright but there’s not much dating, I mean it. You should go read that other post…

So yea, I mean it’s been the theme of the whole series of Dysfunctional Dating and I’m sorry I know I’ve played it up like it was going to be some…well at least include some actual dating but…

Okay I’ll get to that in a minute…what? Okay, okay!

Look it was jes no big deal, and I knew when I was writing that post that I must have gone temporarily insane thinking I could go on dates. I mean with women I really don’t know that well.

Or, I guess, more specifically they don’t know me that well.

Yes, I know I’m probably making less sense than usual so lemme try again.

Did I already mention in an earlier post somewhere  that I had the realization recently that I’m probably more like a great vacation spot, lots of fun and excitement and a great place to visit. But ya wouldn’t want to live there..see…wait, what?

I am talking about dating? Okay, okay, yes I did go on a couple dates with the girl I already wrote about in the last dating post.

That was it though.

The extent of my dating.

compuageThere was a little more explororatin’ of dating sites though. Including Zoosk (umm…my most regrettable click) & again I can only plead temporary insanity.

First, the sites are all money tiered, it is laughable, painfully embarrassingly laughable how often they attempt to convince you to step up to the next tier.

There were of course, many and more women just waiting and wanting to meet me. They were 78, 86,  even 93% matches (based on their impenetrable computation method)  once I stepped up to those next “plans”

Some weren’t even trying to hide it anymore. Offering a wider distribution of my picture fer more gold “tokens” (which of course cost real cash). They guaranteed that the more tokens I spent the more popular I would become. Popularity is based on viewings.

Hmm, I wonder if they distributed my picture across more and ever widening  web browser ?markets” would I get more viewings?

In their own way, these dating sites are like the vanity poetry contest…for lonely people.

In the long run which is secondly I guess, it often jes made me depressed.

I found it sad how many lonely women there are.

I think it’s partly the result of being “liberated”, free from the bonds of matrimonial servitude. Crowning themselves Champion

dating
Believe that all cultures, faiths and peoples are equal and that peace and love are the worlds most important commodities.
Work at Cigna Health and teach art to Special Needs Children. I volunteer every other weekend.
Belong to the Oprah book of the month club and enjoy fine dining, long walks and conversation.
Love to ride my Harley and have beer or two, play some pool and cut loose once in awhile.
I have three words I like to live by and I have stenciled them on my living room wall in big cursive letters to remind me.
They are Live, Laugh and of course Love.
Looking for LTR with my BFF,/SMF
Send me 8 Winks
or
4 Red Rose
So we can inst-e-chat

How’s that workin’ out fer ya’ll.

So anyway 99.9 % of them I know jes by looking at their pic.

I’m not the guy fer them.

The truth is though, I told the last three women in my life the same thing sometimes fer weeks. And besides Lil’ Mouse who I was only with five years the other two lasted close to ten so what the hell do I know.

But those three women were around me fer awhile first, near me, got to know me and fer whatever reason were intent on making me theirs.

Well truth be told all women I work around, wait, most women I work around at least find me (mildly) charming, fun to talk to and a good listener, though they won’t always say it (and many of those chickee-babes wanna sleep with me.)

What can I say I’m jes one o’ those guys with a twinkle in my eye.

Okay as usual I’m gettin of track, so why don’t we stop fer a minute here and switch trains .

We’ll pick er up next time with the conclusion to Adventures in Dysfunctional Dating.

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