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Bong Water, Neighbor Girl & Nose Ring Pt 3

August 9, 2013

Well it has been awhile now hasn’t it Cats & Kittens but I’ve been a very busy Dysfunctional Unit.

For you Functional Units it seems like nothing to go through your days accomplishing a wide variety of inane tasks.

There are even Excel Model Units that every day go above and beyond what is expected.

Lil’ Mouse is one of those.

Successful Units run business’s, build corporations, buildings, see working as living. Working Units work.

We Dysfunctional Units, we fill in the rest of the gaps, from artistic weirdo to just plain weirdo, from homeless bum to gangster thug, on and on, dysfunctional units all.

yo soy el

yo soy el

Me, I’m the Ol Dysu, chugging along. I’ve spelled out most of my isms in other posts and will continue to in future ones.

‘Cause that’s one of the Dysfunctions this Ol Units obviously has.

The dysfunction of compulsion to share, to talk really, but now I get to talk to everybody.

Share my dysfunction with all you fine upstanding units out there, all you shiny LLL units…Wait what?

Live Laugh Love Units.

It’s only been the hottest model off the assembly line for the past ten years or so.

If you just keep crafting and cooking and posting things to pintrest it will really seem like the world is peach and plum colored cubicle shelves.

Jeez I jes can’t le..I apologize lets start this again…

And so now back to the fun time.

Let’s get to it then shall we.

Pt. 3 Nose Ring…now I know what yer all thinking but no this is still in the mid eighties, and while there were some girls with nose rings, and certainly I knew a few, this is not about that kind of nose ring. In fact it’s not about a nose ring at all.

Wait what?…No, no, no.

Be patient and lemme tell ya the story.

It’s the Mid-Eighties and I’m actually working, at a real job, a place where you put on a uniform and punch a time clock.

I was staying with this guy I knew at his Mom’s house, and no before you ask I did not bone her, though looking back 80's partynow I’m sure that she originally (before she got to know me) wanted to screw me.

I did screw another friend’s  Mom whom I was living with at the time .

Most of these people were like reality TV people today, like Jerry Springer families, so it wasn’t that outrageous or weird that I was sleeping with all these moms.

Well okay it was a little more of a societal taboo than it is today, and yea at least among our group I was the only one doin it, so it was kind’a outrageous…but it’s off topic.

It was a fun job. I was a bad employee.

It was a fun job. I was a bad employee.

So I’m working at Togo’s, did I say that already, Togo’s on North Tustin Ave in the City of Orange, Orange Co, Ca.

The Togo’s was in a mini mall across the street from the regular size Mall. I’m not even sure if any of it is there anymore.

And even though I also had a job in the shipping dept of the Sears in the Mall across the street, I can’t remember what the name of the Mall is.

I was gonna write North Orange Mall, but I’m awfully sure that I made that name up jes now.

Anyway, there’s this girl, I don’t remember her name anymore either, jes another nameless stain on my soul lolsidc.

And again anyway she’s a young  hottie (in my memory anyway) and I can tell shes hot for me.

So I invite her to the park after work. I tell her I have some weed and we’ll pick up a six pack.

And she is very interested.

I should mention here that even though she was legal for coitus, she was not legally old enough to drink.

Oh yea and these were the Reagan years so weed,…well it’s not like it is today you lucky kids you.

It was pretty risky for this young little thing to go off into the park at night with this crazy homeless freak, but I was certainly not going to try and talk her out of what had taken me at least the day in to talking her into doing…

Okay now wait, Lil’ Mouse is standing over my shoulder and asking if I’ve addressed the “3 worst dates” controversy.

Or so Lil Mouse sees it.

She is having trouble with me describing these three events as dates.

I get what she’s sayin, and technically, from a traditional sense maybe shes right. But two counter-points if I may…

1: This, as far as I know, as far as my experience goes, is how poor trashy people (of which I was one)date.

2: I was a man(sic) with no money, any girl going out with me knew what she was getting.

Hell in all likely hood I was driving us to the “date” in her car, and if we did go somewhere, it was with her money, and I still got sex. How ’bout that guys?

Of Family_boatcourse there’s been a trade off.

You probably have a nice boat and a retirement package so I shouldn’t be all cocky….

So does that settle that question.

I was taking this chickee-babe on a date to the park, with some beer and weed and planning to screw the crap out of her.

She knew it, and from all that I could tell as our shift wound down, was looking forward to it as much as I was.

Art for art's sake.

Art for art’s sake.

So the park is a short walk north from where we are.

We settle in and smoke and drink a little. Normal b.s. kind’a thing.

At some point I put my hand on her knee. We both keep talking nothing big.

I let my hand drift up and down her leg. She puts her hand on my forearm.

Now we are softly caressing each other as we talk, still just more bs but our voices have gotten husky.

I lean in and we kiss. And we kiss.

We kiss for a couple minutes then I kiss her cheek, then her jawline, kissing my way down her neck I softly tongue the hollow of her clavicle. Moaning she turns her head to give me better access to her neck.

Okay well this isn't the best example

Okay well this isn’t the best example

This is where I should probably mention her earrings.  See it was the eighties and she had these huge poodle hoops on, not full hoops mind you, but these three quarter kinda new wavy looking things all sharp angles.

Like these but pointier.

Like these but pointier. (image enlarged for exaggeratory purposes)

And you wonder, well what does that have to do with anything?

And I’ll tell you that, when she turned her head the end of one of those earrings shot up my nasal passage, deep, hard and pointy..

So here we are, me the mid twenties something free spirit (putting it in the best possible light) and this young-ish girl in this park, after dark.

And I’ve been gettin her drunk and stoned and now we’re really kissing, and going at it (I might have even touched a little boob already).

I’m happily slobbering all over her neck and she is apparently really diggin it and then…

She turns her head and there is, on my part immediate, ripping, slicing pain from some unknown source shredding its’  way up my the inside of my face.

I’m sure I yelled some horrifying loud expletives here.

I don’t remember but that would be my m.o. at receiving an unexpected and tremendously painful experience of any sort (much to many e.r. doctors annoyance).

Upon my screaming graphic curses directly in her ear she began to pull away from me screaming her own brand of angry girl panic.

Which is of course when I figured out that her earring had gone up my nose.

I could see the top of the hoop pivoting directly in front of my eye, a sliver red curving instrument of torture on the opposite end, streaching her lobe out to the point of tearing.

Without thinking I reached up and grabbed a handful of hair on the back of her head, and issued in the calmest most controlled voice I could, (and upon later reflection) a less than comforting command “Stop fucking moving!”

She did what any good trailer girl would do, screamed louder, and tried to free herself by whipping her head back and forth.

This of course did wonders for the nasal cavity scraping I was receiving free of charge.

And whether it is because as I remember, these particular poodle hoops were as sharp as meat hooks, or it was because by this time I had been doing Meth and Coke for a number of years, or a combo of both, blood came gushing from my nose and things were quickly becoming quite gory.

I mean we can laugh about it now, you and I, but it really was a mini moment in some hellish world of pain for me, and I’m sure God awful fear for her.

I’m sure she was sure she was about to be raped, as well possibly that was somehow her blood spraying across her lower cheek.

I was sure my nose was ruined. Sure I would never breathe through that nostril again.

Earring my ass!

Earring my ass!

Even worse  I was sure I wasn’t gonna get laid now…

Anyway of course after what seemed like minutes (but in fact only lasted seconds) I got her to understand the problem by screaming in tear filled agony.

“Stop moving yer head yer earrings in my nose! Stop moving yer head yer earrings in my nose!”

Over and over until it sank in that I wasn’t trying to attack her and that…

By God her earring was actually up my nose.

We extracted the offending accessory from my swollen bloody nose. Tried to clean up, maybe, in my memory we sat and drank another beer.

I remember thinking that maybe I was gonna get some after all.

But instead it ended awkward (I think probably when she sensed that I was gonna start puttin the moves on again), She gave it the well it’s been a long night kind’a yawn thing.

I don’t remember if I offered to walk her home, but I doubt it.

I do remember than when I got to work the next day it was all the big laugh. That’s okay I joined in.

I would’a laughed at the guy it happened to also. That’s just how guy’s are.

The girl though, she barely ever talked to me after that, (none of the girls really did)and certainly was cold to any attempt of mine to get her alone again.

Oh it is to laugh of course I don’t blame her.

I was fired soon after for serving my friends beer at substantially reduced prices.

Anyway and I mean not for the reasons she probably thought but, I was certainly dangerous to a naive girls hopes, oh and their bank accounts and credit lines.

I was an expensive toy to keep on hand, (what can I say) and for that reason young lady you were better clear of me anyway.

So those are my three most embarrassing dates.

Remember I don’t condone this type of behavior anymore and offer it for entertainment only.

I'll try being nicer when you try being smarter

And them’s the facts

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