Bong Water, Neighbor Girl & Nose Ring (or my three worst dates) By Dysfunctional Unit Pt. 1

July 26, 2013

Okay so quite a while ago I promised to put up my three worst dates…or I guess three of my worst dates…or maybe from my perspective what I believe are my three worst dates.

I mean maybe the girls I took out have a different opinion.

Maybe one of these girls liked the date…

Or more likely, if any girl I have dated somehow reads these posts she’ll probably be saying to herself “Hell, my date with the Unit was way worse than that!”

And it’s possible that I have either jes blocked the horrible memory out, (of this date you speak of, imaginary girl) or jes was so drunk I don’t remember…

‘Cause I mean and of course alcohol, weed, and/or coke play a big part in all three of these dates.

Lets see…the first one goes way back, maybe ’78?

And I would change the names of these girls, no sorry, now women, if I had any idea what their names were.

But I don’t remember  them.

So I’m jes gonna go with G1, G2 & G3 how ’bout that?

Does that seem chauvinist and insensitive? Yea ya think so?

Okay how bout Pussy #1, Pu…

Wait, what?

The G1 thing’s okay now?

So anyway like I was sayin.


Not Actually G1:But an Actress representing her for tonight’s performance

G1, This girl…Oh wait!

It may be important if you don’t remember (it’s been a year after all) or have never read any of my earlier posts (well now you missed some fascinating opinions and a whole lot of livin’, laughin’, lovin’)

Wait what? Where was I?

Oh yea G1…

No wait that’s not right…

The thing I was gonna remind you about, that I think comes into play here is that, ya have to remember I was homeless during all three of these big dates, (that’s kinda trendy now but this was the late 70’s, early  80’s and bein homeless was not chick magnet territory).

And I could not tell ya why any of these girls wanted to get mixed up with a crazy damn fool kid like me…Okay so

G1: This girl was a waitress at Gina’s Italian Cuisine in Huntington Beach. I was cooking there (crashing at Steve the cooks apt. on McDonald’s St or on the beach). I was all of 17. This was a girl I really liked and was hot to go on a huntbeach“date” with her. 

Okay the date,  drinking and smoking on the beach.

Not fer long though as beach sex is really only romantic and hot in movies so we moved to her car.

We smoked and drank some more.

She had this ceramic bong with her for some reason.

Any way we did it in her car, in the parking lot of this restaurant that used to sit at the corner of Beach Blvd and PCH (its weird how I remember that and not her name). Again and anyway.

So that doesn’t sound so bad yea, and hadn’t been so far.

We really hit it off and she wanted me to come home with her and go to her bedroom. And I was up for that.

We drove 1971_living_roomto her house and on entering she gave me the shush signal and told me to wait by the hall way leading to the bedrooms.

She went into the TV room to give her mom a kiss goodnight.

I could maccramesee into the room, in my memory its super 70’s orange or green shag carpet, paneling, a spider plant hanging from a macrame rope. The TV I could see clearly, but I can’t remember what was on it, jes that it was one of these big console numbers, and her Mom’s legs sticking out from the couch toward the TV.

They talked for a second and then G1 said goodnight Mom and bent down to kiss her cheek.

And I’ll never really understand the next part, I don’t know if she told me she was gonna put the bong in her purse or not but, when she bent over, brown, stinky bong water poured out neat as from a pitcher and splashed into her moms lap.

Someone started yelling. I was not sure who. I was already going out the door. 

I never saw her again.

(the above statement upon reflection cannot be verified by my own memory. Better to say I have no memory of any further interactions with this girl. Which of course, based of the huge WTF happened between you n yer mom factor,if I had, you’d tghink I’d rememeber…oh wait yea we’re talking bout me…oh it is to laugh.)

And jes think I started with the nicest story…it only gets worse form here.

And if by any chance, you happen to read this and recognize this story. I am sorry I never called but…you know it was awkward…with yer Mom and all I mean…the bong water…but uh hey uh maybe leave me a message…uh but don’t feel bad if ya don’t…I mean…uh i guess it’d even more awkward now heh?

Oh and this is only for entertainment purposes. The management and its affiliates do not condone, promote or support lifestyles which feature drug fueled madness or inappropriate sexual behavior or say, if they did once, say at one point when they were young, well now it was the ’70s.

That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.



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