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Dysfunctional’s Datin Tips

March 17, 2012

So the ol’ Dysu likes lookin round the word press world, and one of the things I’ve noticed is that, just recently there have been a plethora (okay maybe  couple) of hilarious posts about dating tips for men (my favorite by far is  about dating tips [partly] for a Tricophiliac very funny you should check it out) But of course it got me thinkin’ the ol’ Dysu was a young man once, I mean I must have used to try and pick up girls at some point, and were there then, any tips o’ the trade I might pass along for the betterment of all “man”kind …

Okay so the following all involve some limited (or who am I kidding outright) deception.  But I feel I am just leveling the playing field, everyone practices the art of lovedeception, it’s just part of the game, the ugly truth is you gals are just so much better at it than us…Anyway I’m here to try and help a fella out.

Another beer for thou?

I was in theater in  high school and early college, I mean this is a long while ago now, but I learned I was really good at accents…okay you can already see where this is going, and it worked great short term but, and again I was young so there of course was a lot of drinking and drugs involved…it is hard to remember you are suppose to come from Liverpool (one of my most confident) after three hours of steady inebriation. Sometimes the drunkenness factor worked in my favor because more than once the girl also obviously forgot I was suppose to have an accent.

Okay but I think that one’s pretty common, a lot of guys use that technique, and it takes a certain amount of talent as well as hutzpah to pull it off…here’s a little smoother and easier trick I used to get women to go on a first date with me…That’s a hard one huh? Ya see a cute girl working at the grocery store, driving in traffic, any place doesn’t matter and ya wanna approach her, I mean, she’s hot right…but what do you do, sidle up give her a couple of yer best lines then try to get her number so that you can take her to dinner (sex)? Difficult at best. This Chickee-Babe’s been hit on by way hotter, richer, classier guys and how are you going to get her to give you a shot? By removing the pressure…the trick is to have a bunch of business cards (not yer own) with yer name and number scribbled on the back and then follow this script (keep individual flourish to a minimum you want to act like your not trying to impress her[keep it simple])…okay ready…’Hey, hi I’m sorry…I …I was just passing by, saw you sitting here, and well…you…you’re quite attr..charming, and I mean well I would love a chance to take you out sometime (here is where the business card comes in) I just jotted down my name and number, If you’re interested, I would love it if I could take you to dinner sometime…if ya not I mean you can tear the number up after I’m gone, no hard feelings I …anyway..I mean I gotta go, I’m on the way to work(?) but either way, I just wanted to stop and tell you that you are definitely the most beautiful woman I have seen today.” Then just turn and walk away. Do not look back this is important, (don’t ever be too needy[good advice with woman going way beyond dating]) For her it’s flattering, fun, non-invasive and pressure free. Even if she doesn’t call she will have a great story to tell her workmates. And trust me here if even she doesn’t call, she will think about it. And sorry guys sometimes that is as close as we’re going to get…The cheetah doesn’t catch the gazelle every time.

1980's Aphrodisiac

Here’s another little trick I used when I was a little older (and this was mostly for getting laid specifically but…) so this tip is more for semi upscale bars, those trendy spots that come and go like new potato chip flavors. I had a friend/boss (Doidman)who patronized these establishments. This was the late 80’s, I could never compete with the real estate sales men and pharm reps who would come in and slap there obnoxiously large cellular phones and there AmEx platinum cards on the bar, I had a head full of long braids with beads and bells and Guatemalan pants…Okay so anyway what I would do is bring a book and sit in a far corner far way from the noise and hubbub. Eventually some woman would come sniffing around to see just what I was doing off by myself. I would explain that my friends dragged me here (which was true), Bars weren’t really my scene (also true[especially trendy plastic places]) and that they themselves would probably be much happier talking to one of the guys at the bar with a cell phone and credit card. Over 90% of these ladies would then sit down and engage me to explain that women (and more specifically themselves) were not like that at all. Many of these girls ended up going home with me to prove to me(themselves) that they weren’t that shallow. Much to their regret the next morning, it turned out, they were looking for a guy with a good job and responsibilities after all…oh it is to laugh…Anyway that technique was  way more successful than the one above…

Okay so tip number four is taking it to the final level, you’ve met a girl, you have a date, and you really wanna impress her, not just with money or your cool car, I mean you think she might be the one, and you want her to think the same way about you, you want to melt her heart. Okay, this is it; the next “chick flick” that comes out, agree “mock” begrudgingly to be dragged along, at the end, as the lights come up , make sure to dab at your eyes a little (if you have teared up slightly, that’s okay, roll with it) When she turns to you and says (and she will) ‘oh you’re crying’….deny it, deny it fully, ‘I’m not crying I was yawning and my eyes watered’…’the light got in my eyes funny’. This tells the woman two important things about you, 1. somewhere buried deep inside you there is a sensitive being, 2. but you’re too much of a stubborn man to admit it. Of course what you need is a good woman to reach in and heal all your male rage and anger and free that sensitive man you truly are…she thinks as she takes yer hand to walk out of the theater…oh yea yer get’n some tonight fella.

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