Declaration of Dysfunction: Addendum 1

January 12, 2012

All right so hey, it’s me and ain’t it appropriate that it has taken me three posts to finish up what I promised to do in one but, I mean, I guess that’s what being dysfunctional is all about.

Of course I’d thought I kind’a had wrapped it up but Lil’ Mouse pointed out that I had never actually said anything regarding any specific dysfunction(s) per se.  I had discussed much of what I believed started the original clinkety clank and how I attempted to rectify and self repair but…

Okay well here I go again ramblin’ on..so instead lets just get right to it.

In Articles 1 & 2 I attempted to describe how I came to suffer from what I call “Running From The Demons Disorder” or RFTDD.

I had lots of other professional diagnoses of course…over the years, ADHD, ADD, bi-polar, antisocial, BPD. But none came close I believed to describing my particular dysfunction. Nor did the medication I was often prescribed seem to curb many of my more unusual or self destructive behaviors; in fact often the medication made things worse. I also believe that I am not the only person who suffers from RFTDD.

This disorder (I made up) is typified by increasingly risky behaviors, inappropriate sex, massive drug and alcohol use, risky social behaviors such as shoplifting,  thuggery etc. and many other self and socially destructive behaviors.

It was my hope  in articles 1& 2 to describe the process that led to this RFTDD, the bullying in my pre-teen years and buried trauma of my home life during this same time period, and suggest that I believe it was the  root cause of this RFTDD. (It is important to note here that the beginning of my new becoming described in the final part of article 3 was directly related to the recovery of these buried traumas from home and some of the more severe bullying at Westmont elementary. Once uncovered though many behaviors associated with RFTDD began to fade [which of course left me with only one other major dysfunction to tackle])

My secondary major dysfunction of Lefturnism is the dysfunction I tried (and probably failed) to discuss in Article 3. I strongly believe of course that I would not have been affected by (or as affected by) Lefturnism had not it been for my RFTDD. However, at least in my case, the combination of both dysfunctions proved devastating to my future. Wait…what?

Lefturnism? Okay well everyday we are faced with a hundred choices. Should I get up or should I stay in bed? Should I eat cornflakes or pancakes? Should I drink these four shooters with this nice Lemon Kush fer a chaser then drop some x and go to work rollin or…? See what it really boils down to is should I turn left or right, it’s as simple as that? Right turn towards responsibility, good decision making and it’s accompanying consequences, or left turn to Fuckaroundville and all it’s rewards.

See the counter culture told me to do my own thing and I listened, only my thing was at best, doing nothing, certainly doing nothing that I didn’t want to do. And I wanted above all to have fun(RFTDD)…so that is Lefturnism

You want more? Mmmm? Okay let me provide a hypothetical case study.

Guy A suffers from Lefturnism. He has held a series of low paying jobs, but can’t seem to hold employment for more than a few months at a time. In every case Guy A. reports that the boss was a “dick”, or that the boss or some other employee “had it out for him” etc.

Guy A, does hold a job at this point. He also has a small apartment which he shares with his girlfriend and their two children. Girlfriend also struggles maintaining employment and is often on assistance. Both Guy A and girlfriend struggle with drug and alcohol addictions which they have both participated in and graduated from numerous state assisted treatment programs with no visible results.

Recently Guy A came into office and complained that they would not have enough money for there electric bill which was $300 and their electricity was going to be shut off unless they came up with the money. When asked how the electricity bill got so high Guy A. first response was the “electric company rips us off man” upon further review and questioning however another story appears which is as follows.

On receiving the first bill, which was $80 dollars, Guy A. and girlfriend realized they only had, after  rent and food, $45 dollars which of course wasn’t enough. They used the $45 to party instead. When the next bill came it of course was $160, Guy A. explained, but they only, again had forty five, which was really depressing because how were they ever going to get ahead at this rate. So they used the $45 to party…

Okay so you get the picture. The behaviors I gained during the first becoming were a bitch to try and change, hell I still struggle with Lefturnism (and in my weaker moments RFTDD ashamedly enough). And what it took to change the vast majority of these behaviors was learning to be unrelentingly hard on my self, not accept my own whiny bull shit and as such, as this second becoming transpired, I grew intolerant of all bullshit.

Well okay that’s not true, entirely, I still smoke cigarettes and as a final example of what I am talking about I will give you this attack on bullshit…

All we hear is how tough it is to quit smoking, how nicotine is so powerful that we can’t quit smoking alone (ie: can’t quit at all), the addiction (disease) is so strong that it is nearly impossible to quit. That is bull shit. I have to face it every time I look in the mirror– I smoke because I’m a big baby. Every time I want smokes I have to drive to the store, get out of my car, walk into the store take out my wallet, ask for the smo… okay you get the picture the point is that during any one of those moments I could stop myself; I am not a robot controlled by the nicotine. No I don’t stop myself because of this “It’s okay Dysu, you’ve had a hard day, you’ll quit smoking tomorrow“…ha ha…the little lies we tell ourselves.

Anyway, I still smoke but at least I can face myself in the mirror honestly.

Okay f-ass long post but I didn’t wanna split er’ up. Hope it made all things clear Cat’s & Kittens, or at least clearer. Lil Mouse is saying I should talk more about how I changed, God Bless er’ (hell for awhile I had a job with my own office) but I think I’ll let this topic rest awhile…and I need a smoke.

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